The Traveler

I came home on Saturday night,
As drunk as I could be,
And there was a hat upon the rack,
Where my hat ought to be.
So I said to my wife, the curse of my life,
“Explain this thing to me,
Whose is that hat on the rack,
Where my hat ought to be?”

“Oh, you’re drunk, you fool,
You silly old fool,
You’re drunk as a sot can be,
That’s not a hat upon the rack,
But a chamberpot you see.”

Well, I’ve traveled this wide world over,
Ten thousand miles or more,
But a jerry with a hatband on,
I never saw before.

I came home on Saturday night,
As drunk as I could be,
And there was a horse in the stable,
Where my horse ought to be.
So I said to my wife, the curse of my life,
“Explain this thing to me,
Whose is this horse in the stable,
Where my horse ought to be?”

“Oh, you’re drunk, you fool,
You silly old fool,
You’re drunk as a cunt can be,
That’s not a horse in the stable,
But a milch cow you do see.”

Well, I’ve traveled this wide world over,
Ten thousand miles or more,
But a milch cow with a saddle on,
I never saw before.

I came home on Saturday night,
As drunk as I could be,
And there was a head on the pillow,
Where my head ought to be.
So I said to my wife, the curse of my life,
“Explain this thing to me.
Whose is this head a-lying there,
Where my head ought to be?”

“Oh, you’re drunk, you fool,
You silly old fool,
You’re drunk as a souse can be,
That’s not a head on the pillow,
But a football you do see.”
Well, I’ve traveled this wide world over,
Ten thousand miles or more,
But a football with a mustache on,
I never saw before.

I came home on Saturday night,
As drunk as I could be,
And there was a cock inside my bed,
Where my cock ought to be.
So I said to my wife, the curse of my life,
“Explain this thing to me.
Whose is this cock a-standing there,
Where my cock ought to be?”

“Oh, you’re drunk, you fool,
You silly old fool,
You’re drunk as a cunt can be,
That’s not a cock a-standing there,
But a carrot that you see.”

Well, I’ve traveled this wide world over,
Ten thousand miles or more,
But a carrot with ballocks on,
I never saw before.

I came home on Saturday night,
As drunk as I could be,
And there was a stain on the counterpane,
And it didn’t come from me.
So I said to my wife, the curse of my life,
“Explain this thing to me.
Whose is this stain on the counterpane,
Which didn’t come from me?”

“Oh, you’re drunk, you fool,
You silly old fool,
You’re drunk as a cunt can be,
That’s not a stain on the counterpane,
But some baby’s milk you see.”

Well, I’ve traveled this wide world over,
Ten thousand miles or more,
But baby’s milk that smelled like come,
I never saw before.

I came home on Saturday night,
As drunk as I could be,
And there was a woman inside my bed,
Where my dear wife should be.
So I said to this woman, who wasn’t bad-looking,
“Explain this thing to me.
Who are you, a-lying there,
Where my dear wife should be?”

“Oh, you’re drunk, you fool,
You silly old fool,
You’re drunk as a cunt can be.
This ain’t your house, I ain’t your wife,
You’re not living at all with me.”

Well I’ve traveled this wide world over,
Ten thousand miles or more,
It’s the fifth time that I’ve stuffed this bird,
She ain’t never complained before.

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A drinking club with a running problem

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