Hashing since: 2009
Mother Hash: Boise Hash House Harriers
First made him cum: Crowned Jewels
After Captain had been hashing about 6 months, he embarked on the greatest hash campout Oregon has to offer—Gold Rush. At this campout, hashers from near and far come together to drink, get naked, sit in a sauna while drunk and naked, and fuck in public. There also might be some stumbling through the woods, and skinny-dipping in the ocean, but most of don’t remember those parts so clear. Actually, all that most hashers remember is they drank excessively and woke up naked with a new “friend.” Honor to the Coos Bay H3 for always throwing a fantastic party.
But I digress, Captain, in true Gold Rush form, drank quite a lot one night (and by that, I mean all weekend). And like many of us would, he crawled into his tent and curled up in his sleeping bag to quietly pass out naked (probably with his eyes open). But that’s not all, he was so drunk that he lost control of his poor little ass muscles and promptly shat himself in his sleeping bag, only to later find his naked self and his sleeping bag, smelly and covered in shit.
So during circle, Captain, still drunk beyond any kind of lucidity, was brought up to be named. (An important element of Gold Rush is the fire. At the Coos Bay Gold Rush, a giant pit is dug out with a bulldozer in at least a ten foot wide circle, and filled with giant wood (heh heh), making a ginormous fire.) And Captain sat on his knees, still with an uncomfortably high center of gravity, right in front of this giant fire pit. He wavered, and the rest of us worried he might fall in, and he would be too big for the rest of us drunk assholes us to do anything about it. But fortunately, he lived to be named, and ever since, he has been known as Captain Von Poopy Pants.
Now, if you ask Captain about this, he will deny it. He will spout off some very boring story that will leave you disappointed and unsatisfied. But I was at Gold Rush that year, and I saw him get named, and I may have been too drunk to really understand what was going on, but is certainly one of the best naming stories I’ve ever heard. Captain did say however, “Oh my god, I gotta be honest, when I was in college, I pissed myself a lot.”