Maxi Pad’s Non-Lazy Ass Trash On The Trail That Wasn’t

8/16/12 A day that will live in No Name infamy. Or until we all get drunk and forget about it,which will probably be tonight.

It was hot that day.Belay that. It was FUCKING hot that day! There wasn’t a dry crotch present which is normally a good thing,but not tonight. They were the bad kind of wet crotches.The hash stated at Suki’s, which most in the Hash have never heard of. I got there as the Hares Tap Dat Ass and Gayzelle where,for some reason, doing their own chalk talk. Why they didn’t use the marks from the 15 other chalk talks done in the past 2 months is a mystery to me. As we all would soon find out, the hares should have probably paid attention to their own chalk talk. Plan B did one of the surliest send offs ever and 15 minutes later,we left the air conditioning and beer to go run, AKA the biggest mistake of our lives.

Trail followed the standard “start at Suki’s” formula with a short jaunt around the Duniway Park Racist Track, where not 3 hours before,a tree limb fell on a Racist. Let that be a lesson to all you Racist bastards! Nature hates a Racist! Up past Marquam Shelter is where we got our first taste of the coming clusterfuck. On trail,your well hung scribe found not only a false BUT also a regular mark! Guess what I found not a hundred yards up the trail? Why none other than our Hare Gayzelle! Safe behind a hastily drawn boob check and a shitily laid turkey-eagle split. About 4 miles later, we FINALLY got to the beer. Only AWOL was stupid enough to run the Eagle BTW. The Hares bickered amongst themselves,trying to blame each other for fucking up. It was funny. Romancing the Bone was being a little bitch and not helping the pack finish the beer. Milkbone took lots of pictures,unfortunately 2 hours earlier she was shooting dog porn  and the photos where all blurry from being on dog setting. Stinkfinger may have grumbled about something. Fisher of Men and Tongue Twat Twister were trying to hook up with a trail virgin until he admitted he was a psychopath.

The Hares, and soon after, the pack left the shade and beer on a torturous trek up up up! After we FINALLY left those fucking woods we found a boob check on some road that yuppies live on. Little did we know that check was to be the lynch pin of this whole clusterfuck. We searched for true trail for at least 69 minutes.Alliances formed as to who was going to go what direction after we determined this trail was fucked. Team Plan B went left, Team Tina Turnover went right, some thought it went up into a fenced  private yard. There was lot’s of bitching and the virgins became nervous. And in the middle of it all, another fucking tree fell down on the trail we just came up! The only person it hit was Whoreknob, but thankfully she’s used to having hard wood slapping her in the face. An in(ebriated)trepid group composed of Milkbone, Romancing the Bone,Clit Gloss, and yours truly braved on to the top of Council Crest, only having to walk past 6.9 falses to find the second beer check! We laid around, laughing at all the dumb asses who where out there lost, sweating and cursing and not having any beer!

From the last beer check, hounds and hares alike all rode down the mountain in the back of Taps truck. We made fun of Milkbone because she was in the cab and couldn’t hear us. Gayzelle threw flour out the back while we were going 40 MPH, or about 10 miles an hour faster than he runs. He even threw some in the face of a pedestrian! We all laughed at that. We also all laughed as we passed all the tired sweating lost hounds who DIDN’T get any beer. Oh how we laughed at them!

Religion was, surprise surprise, behind that stupid little building where bums pee and shoot drugs at the park. And guess what? No fucking snacks were to be had. That was the cherry on top of this little shit sundae! There was no RA, god had forsaken this hash, so Fuu Fuu, ahem, “stepped up” What he really did was lead the pack in some shitty joke circle jerk. Gayzelle started telling some joke in doubletime and when I woke up 15 minutes later, he was still telling it. It fucking sucked by the way. How Dumb and Dumber avoided an Old McDonald is beyond me, they even stripped down expecting it! After Fuu Fuu disrespected the sacred vessel for the 69th time, I left to go drink and eat.

TL;DR This hash was fucked, no more Suki’s for a year, read the fucking Hare Guide!

Maxi Pad


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