We convened at the Candlelight Lounge to find many a hasher that have been too busy masturbating in a corner to sexy video game characters (because that’s definitely not what I do when I miss a hash…) to come out on a Thursday, including Ballerina, Town Whore, and String Cheese. I’m glad you all found time between strokes to join us.
Many whispers ran through the pack of smelly half minds, “Who is Bum Poop?” “How big is his or her cock?” Sighs of disappointment came from all when we discovered that Bum Poop was merely the dog we’ve all grown to tolerate, and no one would be getting a good stranger lay that night. So disappointing.
Cockjaw sent off our hares, America’s Next Cock Model and Bum Poop, incognito style, and the drunken half minds didn’t even know the hares had left. Unfortunately, Cockjaw eventually sent off the pack too with a purposeful On On, and convinced us to run to our next beer rather than linger at the bar. And we, like sodomized sheep, followed him into the cold, and down many a false trail.
The trail winded down every street in a two-mile radius, yet we somehow never crossed our own trail or saw the hares. We got lost just enough to stay together, and found the beer just when we started to get thirsty. But because this is a trash, I have to say that there was no fucking shiggy (though my feet got wet anyway trotting through the grass for no reason at all), we had a beer check under the same bridge we always do (which wasn’t even necessary because it wasn’t raining), and I bet Bum Poop didn’t even lay a spec of flour. Fucking Shitty.
In other news, Can’t Finish found a trail virgin who was mostly sure that he was 22 and a half years old. I think his name was Just Baby Face. His first act as a new hasher was to show us his cock (honorable) and get completely shitfaced (hilarious), but more on that later.
I am truly excited about this—our beloved Buster Hymen has reentered an important phase in his life. He has joined the ranks of the hashing elite who overindulge on the nectar of the gods, the beverage of champions, the liquid of the lucky. Cold, delicious, fizzy, hoppy, refreshing, BEER (fuck you glutards). I am so happy for you Buster. Make sure you all take advantage of this significant time in this hasher’s life and reacquaint him with the wonders of our favorite malty love, as he’s been missing out for many sad and lonely years.
Anyway, we eventually made it to the On In at a park near Suki’s. Cock Model, being the gourmet chef that he is, hand smashed slices of white bread around beef jerky for our eating pleasure. There were also vitamins, which were amazing. As religion started, it began to rain, not too much, but just enough to get us as wet as a teenage girl at a Bieber concert. Cockjaw, being the halfmind that he is, forgot the sacred vessel, and instead temporarily sanctified a red solo cup. We honored VVD, who is going away to South Korea for at least a year, and Topless Tiny Dancer, who we will barely notice is missing for two months in Fort Knox. There were some other crimes too, but the highlight of religion was our trail virgin. We called him up to drink, as so he did, though he could not quite finish his whole down down. We informed him that he must drink it or wear it, and so he did, and then promptly vomited in the middle of the circle with a smile on his face and a stumble in his step. Honor to the trail virgin!
And so we swang low, like Ron Jeremy.
Huge honor to everyone who signed up to hare in the last week, we’re now booked up solid until April. To everyone else, you time will/should come soon, don’t forget hare the No Name every once in a while, or I will come after you.
Friday- TGIF send off for VVD at the Goodfoot
Saturday- 3:00 PH4 mismanagement meeting and 5:00 Pool Tournament/Party both at the Jawbone Residence
Monday- Cream Jeans molests the Kahuna
Wednesday- Can’t Finish and Cockjaw fumble through a Hump
Thursday- a super awesome Pick Up hash at the No Name (with shiggy!)