The Half-Mind’s Guide to Shortcutting

The No Name was started off right at the Hair of the Dog Brewery where we enjoyed delicious beer that had not less than 10% alcohol content (and that’s not even their imperial).  Our hares were Tripod and Barnacle Box, and they must have chugged vast quantities of barley wine before dragging us on this shitty trail.

Once we were good and ready for a beer check, we encountered a .69 mile long false that left everyone frustrated and thirsty.  We were eager to listen to any asshole who told us beer was near.  So, we ran right through the false in search of an elusive shortcut, followed, of course, by many other half-minds who didn’t seem to realize that we’d ever strayed from true trail.  Our “shortcut” took us a mile down Burnside before we’d given up, lost and discouraged.  We had to run all the way back to check and take true trail just like everyone else.  We eventually arrived at the beer check to find a bunch of smug fuckers who drank all the beer.  This little debacle brings me to an important lesson I have learn about shortcutting.

The Half-Mind’s Guide to Shortcutting

  1. Understand that the hares are trying to fuck with you.  They knew you’d think the trail was going that way, and planned accordingly.
  2. Always keep the high ground.  Also, 69% of the time, the trail goes up.
  3. Know that you’re likely running farther in the opposite direction.
  4. Trying to predict beer check or On In locations base off past trails, old hashers’ houses, topography, or hints the hares gave you earlier is usually futile, unless you have a sixth sense for it.
  5. There’s no such thing as a sixth sense.
  6. Never take tips from strange men on bicycles (Unless you’re taking your clothes off for them).
  7. Don’t blindly follow the wankers in front of you, and then ask, “why is there no flour?”  There’s no flour because we just ran passed a false trying to shortcut.  You probably don’t want to be following me if you can’t follow trail on your own.
  8. There’s probably a reason the hares didn’t take the trail that way.

Pros of shortcutting (when successful):

  • You didn’t have to work as hard for beer.
  • You look real clever.
  • You might catch the hares.
  • You get to tell everyone who stayed on true trail that you’re better than them.

Cons of shortcutting:

  • You probably missed out on the trail, which included things like: beer, boobs, shiggy, running with others, an awesome trail.
  • You’re probably not actually shortcutting.
  • You will get lost.

Here’s my tally:

Successfully shortcutted: 1

Gotten lost trying to shortcut: 69

But I’ll never forget the one time it actually worked.

After several more falses, we eventually made it back to the On In to find a spectacular club called the Refuge that we had all to ourselves.  There was warm soup for all, a creepy guy with a “harepiece,” and autohashers cuming out every orifice.  Honor to the hares for outsmarting the pack (not like it was difficult).

Things to look forward to:

Friday: TGIF at Thatcher’s in SE.

Saturday: It’s a double whammy! Hot Buns warms our buns at Laurelhurst park for the OH3, then…HASH PROM!

Sunday: Choir practice at Rectal’s place.  What better way to spend a hangover than trashing Rectal Rooter’s house while drinking Bloody Marys?  Take a look at the Hymnal, and print copies of the new songs and whatever else you want if you can’t view the site from your smartphone.

Monday: Big Shitter and Mystery Meat shit on the Kahuna

Wednesday: Clownmydia infects the Hump

Thursday: Romancing the Bone and Cockjaw finally hare the No Name! Be there or be □.

Your stupid shortcutting scribe,

Romancing the Bone


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