In honor of the No Name Anal Matzoh Ball Hash I would like to tell you about the Ten Plagues of hashing. This topic is very important to me, as I come from the very holiest of religions—the religion of Beer. But don’t be misguided, we followers of Beer are not so close-minded, as we also believe in the power of wine, vodka, gin, and whiskey too—for it is when all alcohol comes together as one that we can be truly drunk.
Long ago, the hash gods sent these plagues down upon the hashers for forgetting the spirit of hashing.
1. The first was water. All the beer turned to water, and the hashers became sober. Illustrious hashers like Rectal and Sex O Fence became lame and upstanding citizens.
2. Then came injury. Twisted ankles and torn muscles immobilized even the fastest FRBs. Poor Gayzelle and Cockjaw actually lost their legs—All three of them.
3. Crabs was next. Masses of crabs invaded the bush of all the most attractive bimbos and wankers. Hordes of bimbos followed Tripod and Slut Machine’s lead and went Brazilian.
4. Then the cops became ruthless. Many a hasher was jailed even for the most minor of indiscretions, like jaywalking. The drunk tank was busting at the seams with honorable hashers like Stinkfinger and Poke Her Face.
5. After that, everyone contracted STDs. Hashers were stricken with Syphilis, Gonorrhea, and Herpes, which was somehow also spread to the animals. Some blame the start of the outbreak on Chubby Chaser.
6. Then Leprosy, bits and pieces falling were falling off Pabst and MudButt.
7. Hail was next. Severe weather frightened away some of the more fair weather hashers. O and Felcher were never seen again.
8. Soon after were the rotten teenagers. Swarms of them learned how to follow flour and stole all the beer checks. Fortunately, Bee Fuck did get a hold of some of the young drunk girls.
9. We were then punished with pavement. Hard, boring pavement covered the shiggy for three days. Fuu Fuu rejoiced.
10. It ended with the death of the Virgins. The virgins were killed then cremated. Try as I must, I can’t fuck dust.
Finally, after the tenth plague, the hashers were forgiven. We were free to hash through shiggy, drink endless kegs of beer, and have casual sex without fear of disease. But let this be a lesson to you, never forget the spirit of hashing or lose sight of why we drink.
Honor to Rosy Palms and Ditch Bitch for hand rolling all our balls. Honor to our hares Robo Dick and Fuu Fuu for hosting another amazing Matzoh Ball hash. And Honor to anyone else who helped prepare the delicious food we feasted on last night.
Summing up next week:
Friday: An 80s dance party at the Crystal Ballroom for TGIF
Saturday: Pabst Smears Muddy Balls all over Sauvie Island at the OH3
Monday: Chubby infects the Kahuna
Wednesday: Captain, Whiskey, Plan B, and Copper Cunt host the Heart of Portland Trail at the Hump
Thursday: Buster Hymen hares yet another amazing No Name trail
Let’s all pay homage to great wet and tasty one, BEER!
Your saintly scribe,
Romancing the Bone