One keg of beer for the four of us!
Singin’ glory be to God that there are no more of us,
‘Cause one of us could drink it all alone.”
Maybe you didn’t go to last night’s No Name because you didn’t want to be fucked in the ass for a second night in a row by another Heavy Flow Day trail. Maybe you didn’t want to forever be lost in the relentless maze that is Ladd’s Addition. Maybe showering Mutt Fucker with sexual favors all night was something you just couldn’t pass up. Whatever your reason was, you missed a fucking good time, not just a good fucking or a fucked time like you may have experienced earlier in the week, but a good fucking time. And this brings me to:
Common Misconceptions about a Heavy Flow Day Trail
1. Heavy actually does know what pavement is. I know it may seem like the only word in his vocabulary is SHIGGY, but every once in a while, he’ll crawl out of the blackberry brambles, scrub off all the poison oak, mud, and dried blood, and add about 5 feet of pavement to a trail. We are all so thankful.
2. Heavy may seem like a backcountry, sheltered, small town boy of Oregon City, but he has ventured to the great big city of SE Portland. As much as it pains him to leave the comfort and safety of mud slough he calls home, he does have the ability to set trail elsewhere.
3. You may think that a Heavy trail is hard to follow and will fuck with your head (I’ll take some of that), because who really knows what’s going through his. However, he did manage to set trail through Ladd’s Addition without getting anyone lost, and if that’s not skillful, I don’t know what is.
4. Contrary to what you have seen in his pants, you may think a Heavy trail will be unreasonably LONG. However, when bribed by a pretty birthday bimbo, he will make a beeline to promised booty.
5. He may appear to be a drunk, but some trails may have as little as two beer checks*.
*These two beer checks will have excessive amounts of alcohol.
6. Heavy Flow Day loves boob checks. Oh wait, this one’s still true.
Perhaps we can credit Heavy Flow Day’s capable co-hare, Just Katie, for providing him with the necessary incentive to change his sexual routine. Honor to Just Katie.
Honor to the birthday bimbo Mutt Fucker for passing on whatever disease she has to all those hashers who love her most. Happy Birthday, Fuck You. No really, fuck you.
Next week will be the official naming ceremony of the No Name Hash! It will have pomp and circumcision. It will be joyous and extraordinary. There will be a brass band serenading us as we drink ourselves smart while Cockjaw gives us oral pleasure. You must be there, as this is a historic footnote in the long and sullied past of the soon-to-be-no-longer No Name Hash House Harriers.
In other news, if your thumb’s too far up your ass to check the calendar:
Friday: TGIF at the Nighthawk Café in north Portland
Saturday: Romancing the Bone (that’s me!) and Cockjaw are haring a SUPER AWESOME OH3 trail starting at the Raccoon Lodge in SW Portland
Sunday: Choir practice at MSG’s house
Monday: Kahuna on Tabor
Wednesday: Slut and Bitch Tits Hump
Thursday: Just Bruce hares No Name
I’ll keep this short and sweet just like Heavy’s cock.
Your sexy, stunning, slamming, sultry scribe (brought to you by the letter S),
Romancing the Bone